Episode Transcript
[00:00:11] What's worthwhile considering what we consume, believe, say and do towards peace of mind, vitality of body, and joy of spirit. I'm Ramsey Zimmerman. Here's some more healthy living motivation and discussion.
[00:00:30] Hey there, it's Ramsay here. In these times of anger and outrage, taking sides and pointing fingers, I found a breath of fresh air in the new book the Way of Befriending by Parfait Basilet. Parfait perfectly describes the experience of the outsider and calls us to reach out. As a friend, Parfait rejects the us versus them othering of tribalism. This great book gives us a framework for befriending and here is my response.
[00:01:03] I listened to the audible version of the Way of Befriending read by the author Parfait Basilet. Parfait is a good friend of mine and has been for many years. He is also a good friend to many other people. Like many great teachers, Parfait did not have an easy time learning his craft. He he went through difficult, painful times on the outside before finding his way. So when Parfait speaks of the art, skill, necessity and joy of Befriending, you can be confident that he understands it deeply and fully. As I mentioned, I listened to the audio version which was wonderful. Parfait was born and raised in West Africa. He is a guitarist and singer songwriter. The the French accented delivery of his rich and melodious voice is soothing and delightful, although his stories and lessons are often challenging. He came to the US to go to college in Portland and it was of course like a different world for him. He barely had enough money for tuition and expenses and his family and friends were back in Africa and English was not his first language. Naturally, he felt like an outsider. But over the years and decades, Parfait worked within the Justice, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and belonging space, especially within colleges. Eventually he himself became a bridge builder. I'll never forget the first time I met Parfait. He and his family came and visited our church. He was invited on stage at one point and one of his two young boys basically followed him up there before his mom could grab him. It was adorable, but I thought he might have been embarrassed at the time. Afterwards I introduced myself and tried to make him feel welcomed by suggesting that that was just the kind of thing that my son would have done. Parfait went on to become kind of a rock star at our church and to my son in particular, now that I think about it, because shortly after that first meeting, Parfait played some guitar for my son's class as a school event. Ah well, enough of that side trail. The point is that Parfait has been on every part of that spectrum from from outsider to center stage. In the way of befriending, Parfait lays out a perfect model of the players in a business or social setting. I won't spoil for you the personal story of how he discovered it. You'll need to read about that yourself in the book. Here are the the gatekeeper, the well adjusted, the Outsider and the friend. In social or especially business settings, someone sets the rules, controls the door or the lights or the sound. That is the gatekeeper, their authority in action, set the tone and the pace. Many people in the room understand the rules, know the gatekeeper, have clout or standing in the group. These are the well adjusted and they come and go as they please. But many people are exactly the opposite. They are new or less popular or awkward or or don't have the things that other people want like money or power or influence. This is the outsider. They feel alone. Even in a crowd, even among other outsiders, they feel alone. They would benefit greatly from some help, some kindness, some explanation or some showing of the ropes. This is where the friend comes in. The friend notices the outsider and feels their struggle.
[00:04:33] The friend is the one who reaches out to someone even when they don't expect something in return.
[00:04:38] Gatekeepers and well adjusted people are in the best positions to be friends, but I think fellow outsiders can also be good friends, even if they don't have a lot to offer. I really like this model, this construction. It calls us to make sure that when we design and hold social or business events that we enable, empower and encourage people to reach out to one another, to look out for one another.
[00:05:08] We all feel it, the pressure to perform, keep up, move faster, all while staying present and connecting with our loved ones. It's a lot I know. So join me live weekly on Zoom Tuesdays at noon Pacific time for sessions of better before burnout. Waking, eating, moving and sleeping to beat stress and bring vitality. These sessions are interactive and customized. Each time I go through the foundations of establishing vitality that carry you through your days and calm your sleep through your nights. I also focus in on particular practical strategies. Weekly sessions begin July 21st. Learn more and register online by visiting whatsworthwhile.net betterbeforeburnout Our Facebook also addresses tribes and tribalism a lot. I think that is a topic we need to talk more about these days. The social media algorithms have got us all stuck in our tribes by design. You know Humanity has been tribal for thousands of years.
[00:06:18] Tribes provide safety, belonging, purpose, shared experience, and it is empirically shown how much a common enemy unites groups of people. But what about when those common enemies are misunderstood, overblown, or downright imagined? And what are the consequences of tribes pointing directly at other tribes and painting them as enemies? In that way of thinking, others are not to be trusted, not to be spoken with, let alone befriended.
[00:06:49] Parfait rejects that, and I agree with him. He encourages us to befriend people outside of our usual tribes. It's hard though, right? How can we do it in practical terms, in the way of befriending? Parfait gives us three courage, curiosity, and compassion. Yes, it's often scary to reach out to people, especially if we don't know them well. So we we need courage. Courage is taking action despite fear, anxiety, or trepidation. Do what, though?
[00:07:22] Start with being curious.
[00:07:25] Notice something, ask questions about it, make observations.
[00:07:30] Then show compassion. When you begin to understand the situation of the outsider, the person you're reaching out to, you don't need to solve their problem or save them. There's great value and comfort and joy first in being noticed and engaged and understood and shown kindness. These things validate our humanity. I think we would all benefit from more courage, curiosity and compassion. And if we pointed those things at each other instead of things like quips, cut downs, or cancellations.
[00:08:03] I cherish Parfait's friendship. We're an unlikely pair. Honestly, we couldn't look or sound more different. We don't believe all the same things politically, or have all of the same priorities. But that first day we met, I chose to reach out to him, and he reached back to me tenfold over the coming years. He stopped me so much, and I'm thrilled for him and thrilled for you that his new book, the Way of Befriending, is such a heartfelt, coherent, thorough and practical guide to making us all better, better friends.
[00:08:37] And for today, that is enough.
[00:08:41] Ready for more? Visit whatsworthwhile.net to listen to podcast episodes. Master your response to stress by reading my book, Stress Response, available through Amazon or to get better before burnout sets in by requesting the free guide. Regardless of where you are in your journey, I'd love to hear from you and talk about how we might move forward forward together. Please contact me, Ramsey Zimmerman through the website or on social media like Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn or X. Thanks.
